May 1

In a June 2015 London TED Talk on addiction, Johann Hari stated that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but is, in fact, Connection. His talk was titled "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong."

He goes on to challenge the concept that it is the drugs "alone" that are responsible for users developing an addiction, making a good case, using the Canadian Rat Park study (1981, Bruce K. Alexander), as well as the Vietnam war and Portugal's overwhelming success in dealing with drug crimes by reintegrating users into a social network. Robert Weiss agrees in a Psychology Today article from September 30, 2015.

We discussed this topic in the Sunday group long ago. This was one of the reasons we began to connect outside of meetings by having BBQs, jam sessions, axe throwing, and shooting pool together.

The subject of emotional Connection is a large part of the reason for and management of all forms of addiction.

The opposite of sobriety is not addiction; it is Connection. You have friends! You are valuable! You are worthy of a beautiful recovery. We all are.

Quote: "...we now know for certain that this type of recovery and social connection is possible - even for the most problematic of addicts" - Robert Weiss.

Stay sober, step into Connection, don't isolate, and have a great day... mike

May 2

Seeing something in writing tends to make it more valid; however, at one time, it was only someone's thought, nothing more.

One of the most damaging places posts or signs have been written is in our brains. Others posted thoughts in our brains when we were young and vulnerable; later in life, we read those postings and accepted them as valid messages.

In a June 21, 2011, Psychology Today article by Rebecca Gladding, M.D., entitled, Don't Believe Everything You Think or Feel, Rebecca states:

"One of our biggest challenges - and why we keep reminding people that you are not your brain - is that we often take those initial brain-based thoughts, urges, emotional sensations, impulses, and desires at face value and assume they must be true."

Gladding describes a patient who would buy into her deceptive messages. Because she "believed" she was unworthy, she would deprive herself of love and attention from others. More importantly, she would also deprive herself of much-needed self-compassion.

For us addicts, this can be the difference between acting out or not. One example is, "What's the use? I'm no good anyway."

I now rely on my higher power, group, sponsor feedback, step work, and friends for messages of validation, not my thoughts alone.

Quote: "The next time you feel unworthy, inadequate or inferior, remember that these experiences have nothing to do with humbleness,… There are no lower or higher individuals in the perception of a humble person. There are only souls. There is only love." - Gary Zukav, How to Fall in Love with the Whole World.

Stay sober, step into self-care, and have a much better life. Have a great day... mike

May 3

My first five medallions all have the word "Honesty" inscribed on them. Honesty and step one walk hand in hand. They are inseparable. If one dies, so does the other. If we do not embrace honesty, we don't even get to begin the process of recovery. We are without a foundation.

Up until step one, I had a problem. I was going to do better. I would get around to it sometime. I was going to work on it. Those statements were lies, not to others, but to me. I was unwilling to face the truth, even with the wreckage of my life surrounding me.

I believe lying will lead to relapse because it erodes the very foundation of step one. The step from which all the other steps rise. When step one crumbles, the rest eventually fall. Previous excuses begin to apply to bottom lines, relationships, and boundaries.

Here are some examples: "I can handle that." "That's not so bad." "I can look at that ad." "I don't need meetings anymore." "I'm single now. What's the problem?"

What lies has your addiction been whispering in your ear?

At some point, I just had to cut the crap and admit that I was powerless over my sex and love addiction... forever, that it really was an addiction, and that my life had become unmanageable. Once I admitted what I had been in denial about, I was ready to learn about something else called faith, but that was step number two. I had to stop believing lies first.

Quote: "I think the greatest illusion we have is that denial protects us. It's actually the biggest distortion and lie. In fact, staying asleep is what's killing us" - V (formerly Eve Ensler).

.From John K. - "DENIAL" = Didn't Even kNnow I Am Lying)

Stay sober, step honestly, and have a great day... mike

May 4

After leaving the cult I belonged to, I didn't have much faith in a Higher Power. I thought I did, but my faith was misplaced. I had based my faith on the fact that I was in the right church, the one true church, that I had the correct set of doctrines, and that I had the best translation and proper understanding of the Bible, among other things.

When my life turned into an out-of-control cesspool, I blamed my situation on God. "I trusted you to heal me, and you didn't," I said. I accused God of not being who he claims to be in the Bible. I didn't want to do steps two and three.

I told a fellow member I didn't think I had to do them because I had previously done that when I became a Christian. He just looked at me and replied, "Yeah, how's that going for you"? It wasn't working at all! I needed to recommit with a much deeper and more mature understanding.

I had to come to believe that there was a force or power in the universe greater than me that not only could but "would" rescue me regardless of religious affiliation, doctrines, etc., because He loved "me."

I began to see that He had helped many others before me, and they were well along their path of recovery. Slowly, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could (and would) restore me to sanity. Now, it was time to learn the oxymoron of how to win through surrender, but that meant first learning to trust the power source, not the structure.

Quote: "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. You can't see the future, yet you know it will come; you can't see the air, yet you continue to breathe" - Claire London?

Stay sober, take an open-minded step toward the world of belief, and have a great day... mike

May 5

A few years ago, I spent time with one of our veterans who had returned from Afghanistan wounded. Every member of his unit had a Canadian flag tattooed on their dominant hand. It was for their last stand, should it come to that.

As they held their grenade and pulled the pin, the last thing they would see would be their beloved flag and their approaching enemy dying. He mentioned that no one from his unit had ever been captured in Afghanistan, and no one ever would. That was their commitment. They were willing to give up their life in order to win.

It made me wonder about my commitment to sobriety, recovery, and sponsorship. Am I committed until I can get things back to normal in the household, or just as long as it doesn't hurt too much? Will I leave wounded and suffering behind to fend for themselves, or will I take on one more temporary sponsee until a sponsor steps up?

In step three, we decide to give control of our lives to the "care of"a Higher Power of our own understanding. Either we surrender to the care and direction of this Higher Power, or we surrender to our uncaring addiction. The wrong choice ends badly.

Quote: "A True Wise Man Surrenders Every Thing Freely To God While Alive. A Foolish Man Surrenders Every Thing Forcefully At The Time Of Death" - Baba Tunde Ojo-Olubiyo.

Stay sober, surrender to the right side, and have a great day... mike

May 6

Facing my character defects was not pleasant. Step four forced me to drag them out of the dark corners where I knew they lurked. Shame forced me to lock them away in secrets-ville. I had to examine the wrongs I had committed and own them.

Step four felt like it was beating me down, but when I look back, I realize it was actually building me up on a new foundation of honesty. I stood alone, naked before my Higher Power. There was nothing to hide behind: no Job titles, money, house, family, or clothes to make me look better. As hard as it was to drag my defects out into the open and own them, I knew I was on the right track.

Step four is where I met myself for the first time. I met the eight-year-old who was introduced to sex by a boy up the street. I met the angry teenager, the misguided adult, and the stunted Christian.

Today, I still find character defects, but they no longer own me or shame me. I speak of them freely and drag them into the light in group. Although hard at the time, with many tears, my searching and fearless moral inventory was an investment that continues to give sobriety with compound interest. May yours do likewise.

Quote: "The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world" - Toni Collette.

Stay sober, step into the light, and have a great day... mike

May 7

In step five, I began to realize I was enough, all on my own, to be accepted and belong.

For most of my life, I felt that there was no one else like me. I didn't belong on this earth, that I was an out-of-place oddity. My step-five sponsor set aside an entire day for me and encouraged me to talk, beginning from early childhood. I reviewed my life in general, along with family, relationships, highs, lows, wrongs I had committed, and the character defects I knew about. We broke for lunch and continued until late afternoon. He was gentle. I spoke of something I had never shared with anyone else. He reassured me by sharing some of his own defects and misdeeds.

By the end of the day, I knew I was not alone. I experienced a sense of peace and belonging as I drove home that night.

Looking back, I see that step five planted the seeds of vulnerability, self-care, and forgiveness that would carry me through the tough steps ahead.

Step five was wonderfully freeing, but there was much more to come.

Quote: "The world is a brighter place when we each manifest who we are" - Rabbi Lizzi Heydemann.

Stay sober, share your burden, and have a great day... mike