October 7

My counselor asked me to remember the first pornography picture I ever saw. I laughed out loud. There had been so many images, and that viewing had happened over fifty-five years before. He wasn't moved; he just said, "Think about it for a few weeks and see what happens."

Two weeks later, I described the picture to him. He asked me if there was anything familiar about the image. "I don't know what you mean," I said.

He asked if anything in that picture reminded me of the look or type of woman I preferred. I had to admit it did. Later, I realized that the look on her face (she was smiling) also affected what type of pictures I looked at. I had to believe the lie that they were happy. My thank you letter to pornography used the words smiling and welcoming frequently. This first piece of porn had set the tone for a lifetime of escape and fantasy.

Later, after discussing the picture, my counselor informed me that I had bonded with an image at an early age, much like a baby pig can bond with a surrogate mother dog.

Unfortunately, my bonding was with the unreal, with a fantasy, with something unable to sustain love and relationships. This bonding impaired my ability to form a complete bond in reality. The time came when I had to say goodbye. You have read my goodbye letter. Why not join me and say goodbye forever?

Quote: "Pig: Do zebras and lions ever marry? Zebra: No, Pig... it's a little difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who wants to eat you..." - Stephan Pastis, Pearls before Swine, (the comic strip)

Stay sober, choose reality, live, and have a great day... mike

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October 8

Yesterday, I received an email from my boyhood friend, Steve. Usually, I would be happy to hear from him, but sadly, Steve died a few years ago of cancer. The email was spam. Someone was trying to get me to click on a link. They wanted to take something from me, not give. Our addiction sends spam, too. We frequently click on links sent from the dead or those long out of our lives.

When I was fifteen, my mom gave me a book to read that painted the main character as a weak slob. His wife was divorcing him, but he kept pestering her to have sex "just one more time." My mom told me, "That's what life is really like." I made up my mind I would never be a weak slob and pester anyone like he did.

It became easier to sneak off, look at porn and masturbate rather than pester my wife. I now realize I was emotionally stunted and that there were times my wife desired me to take the initiative. My actions and secrecy began to unravel my marriage. I was becoming exactly what I did not want: a weak slob by clicking on an invalid link from the past.

Here are some other unwanted spam links we frequently click on. "You'll never amount to anything!" "You're stupid!" "No one wanted you!"

Perhaps your spam messages contain links to entitlement, such as "You deserve it."

Other spam may link us to angry outbursts, such as judgmentalism or black-and-white thinking. Such messages may have been crafted to give an illusion of power when we were young and vulnerable, but they are all spam. They infect. They steal from our adult relationships.

Most of this spam was written in our youth but continues to arrive today. We should monitor our thoughts and emotions as closely as we monitor our inboxes.

Quote: "I use Spam Arrest because of the amount of junk mail I get. Any legitimate person who wants to send me a message has to jump through hoops before they can be added to my opt-in list." - Kevin Mitnick.

Stay sober, delete the spam, live free, and have a great day... mike

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October 12

Well, I did it again. It happens about four to six times a year. I didn't plan it, but it just happened again.

Don't worry; I'm not talking about acting out. Whew!! I am talking about my special birthday messages. Huh? Yep, now and then on Facebook, a birthday notice appears, and I get the urge to post a special birthday greeting. I never know what I'm going to say, but once I start, the words come.

I usually remind the recipient of all the people (or animals) they have helped or served. Sometimes, if they are younger, I tell them how excited and happy their parents and extended families were when they were born. I always ask them to take a few minutes to quietly accept and believe that their life has touched many others for good and that they matter.

The first one I sent started something like this: Dear S. Happy Birthday! I'm writing to tell you how pleased I am with your life. I am so proud of you. I went on to speak of all the good influence they had on others, including animals, and I signed it "GOD."

I was shocked that I had done something so audacious, but the recipient was moved deeply. They told me that first they laughed, then they cried.

I no longer send birthday greetings from "God," but I have kept up the tradition for the last few years. I believe this has strengthened my recovery and added meaning to my life, and that is something for a porn addict who has struggled with poor image and worthiness issues. I have come to believe supportive words to others are not part of my recovery, as much as a result of it.

Quote: "Good works is giving to the poor and the helpless, but divine works is showing them their worth to the One who matters." - Criss Jami.

Stay sober, speak kindly, and have a great day... mike

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October 26

Two summers ago, a number of us from the Wed night group gathered together for a picnic. One of our members co-owns an island on a local body of water with two of his siblings. We met in a parking lot and traveled to the island by boat.

In the middle of the island lies an indigenous graveyard. Some years ago, when a skeleton began to appear on the side of a cliff, it was exhumed and dated as 5,000 years old. Later, a special re-interment ceremony took place with chiefs and dignitaries from local reserves.

In our step four work, we, too, have to dig up old skeletons for examination. We dig up family and personal history. We unearth past behaviors, resentments, and patterns of thought to understand how we arrived at our current state. It may be a painful history, but it is ours, and since it was powerful enough to shape our lives, we treat this history with the respect it deserves, thoroughly completing step four.

The time also comes when we re-inter our past wrongs, make amends, and begin a new way of living. We carry on! Although I buried my past deeds in the graveyard of yesterday, I didn't hide them. I left a headstone, a marker I call "my story," for others to see.

You have one, too. It's your story, and it's powerful. When you share it with another addict, it helps them on their healing journey.

Quote: "Walk softly but carry a Big Book" - Unknown Wise Woman.

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Stay sober, work your steps (again if needed), and have a great day... mike.