September 22

How much do you know about the people you used to fantasize about or act out with?

Did you ever use demeaning language to describe people of the opposite (or same) sex who had the same addiction we did?

Years ago, the first woman to come to our meetings would frequently break down crying, describing her compulsion and her resulting disgust after acting out. Her story changed the rest of us men in the room. We now saw a sister, one of us, exactly like us, but… a female. Females aren't like us… are they?

I have come to the point where I now refuse to act out, fantasize, or lust after others even if they would desire me to. I won't give an alcoholic liquor, a drug addict heroin, or any other kind of fix to an addict, especially a sex addict. Neither will I demean them. It is not suitable for me, nor helpful to them.

Over the next three days, we are going to hear from one of our sisters, A, who suffers like us from the same disease, which had its roots in her dysfunctional family. It is my prayer and wish that her story helps us differentiate the sickness from the person so we can stop the insanity of seeing and reacting to fantasy and body parts instead of a damaged person in need of recovery.

Quote: "Stop staring. It just makes your "obsession" seem more pathetic" - quote from multiple women and multiple internet sources.

Stay sober, don't stare, learn to care, and have a great day... mike

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September 23

Today's message comes from our sister, A, a member of our Wed night group, and is entitled: "How I Used Sex and Love to Gain Power Over Men and Why."

"I look back at my days in active addiction and can see through the recovery lens why I did what I did and how addictive it was, unbeknownst to me at the time.

When I would rendezvous sexually with men, with little to no commitment, it gave me a sense of power. I would become intoxicated from the power of being able to seduce a man and use my sexuality and body over him.

That I could bring a man to his knees gave me such a rush of power, it became addictive.

Unknown to me I had deep rooted feelings of inadequacy, shame and inferiority, stemming from my traumatic upbringing, and being sexually abused when I was 5 years old.

In my late teens I became noticeable to men and it made me feel good for the first time in a long time. Being lusted after became a super power and men became my drug.

If I was feeling low or inadequate about myself, I could easily find and attract a man and get high off of the seduction and lust. It would be like taking a hit of ecstasy. It was exciting and relieved any feelings of inadequacy. Men would lust after me and make me feel wanted. However, once the high was over came the crash. The crash of loneliness and the feelings of shame and inadequacy when I was no longer lusted after. My life would then become unmanageable until I found my next hit.

More of A's story tomorrow.

Quote: "I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." - Audre Lorde.

Stay sober; let us begin to see others with our hearts, not our hormones or self-righteousness. Have a great day... mike

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September 24

A's story continues from yesterday.

"I continued to attract men who, like me, had feelings of inferiority. Often, men would have the upper hand financially, an area where I was completely inadequate, so to make up for that, I would use my sexuality and charm, an area in which I had superiority.

It filled their ego as I would often be told, "I can't believe a woman like you would lust over a guy like me." That kept them chasing their inadequacy fix as well. We used each other. I had felt powerless my whole life, but not when I was being lusted after or performing sexual acts. I had no idea how to love or connect with another human other than to be objectified and desired.

In recovery, I am learning to not only respect myself and my body but the feelings of others as well. In a recent talk with my sponsor, I was discussing this cycle, and my sponsor could relate. She told me of a similar talk she had had with her sponsor early in her recovery, in which her sponsor asked her about the men she preyed on: "Did you have power over them, or did they have power over you?"

That hit me to my core. All this time, I thought I was in control and living as an independent woman. I was actually very dependent on my drug, and my life was out of control."

More tomorrow.

Quote: I do not wish women to have power over men, but over themselves - Mary Wollstonecraft.

Stay sober, live free, and have a great day... mike

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September 25

Today, our sister, A, finishes her recovery story.

"Another recovery moment hit me when again I was talking to my sponsor about my dating plan and if I were to become sexually involved with a man after a discussion of commitment and what would happen if I found the relationship was no longer for me.

I told my sponsor I would be fine. She then asked, "What about his feelings?" My response was, "What about them?" For me. that was an "aha" moment that I still have work to do in this area. I still need to attend meetings, even when I think I can miss them. I still need to do my step work, even when I think I'm fine, and I still need to check in with my sponsor, even in the good times.

My hope for the addict who still suffers is that they will find the beauty in themselves as a whole and lovable being. That they will find a loving way to empower themselves without the use of sex and toxic relationships.

I am happy that, at 39, I can start over again, and it's never too late.

Thank you, SLAA & fellows, A.

Quote: "The only way for a woman, as for a man, to find herself, to know herself as a person, is by creative work of her own." - Betty Friedan, The Feminine Mystique.

Stay sober, work the program, be the you, you were always meant to be, and have a great day. We, your brothers, love you, and thank you, A.

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